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Trump Threatens to Move to Suburbs If Biden Wins

OtherTrump Threatens to Move to Suburbs If Biden Wins

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to stoke suburban voters’ deepest fears, Donald Trump has threatened to move to the suburbs if Joe Biden wins the November election.

Issuing the terrifying ultimatum in a series of seventy-four tweets, Trump warned that, if he relocates, “Your beautiful suburbs will be destroyed forever.”

Forcing suburban voters to imagine the horrific reality of having him live next door, Trump tweeted, “If you wonder what kind of neighbor I would be, just ask Canada and Mexico.”

“I will treat my front lawn like a driving range,” he threatened. “Don’t park your car on the street unless you want your windshield cracked.”

“Since I don’t believe in global warming, I won’t be recycling,” he added. “I’ll just toss my empty Diet Cokes over the fence and into your yard.”

Saving his most chilling threat for last, Trump warned, “When I move to the suburbs, I will be taking Don, Jr., and Kimberly Guilfoyle with me. So you can kiss your precious peace and quiet goodbye, suburban suckers and losers.”

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