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The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’s Group Text

OtherThe Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse’s Group Text

Pestilence: Hey, guys, what horses are you gonna ride for the apocalypse tomorrow? Thinking of doing white.

Famine: Dibs black.

War: Red? That feels like me, right?

Pestilence: Death, what color you thinking?

Death: Pale.

Pestilence: . . .


Pestilence: O.K., but, like, what do you mean by “pale”?

Death: Pale.

Pestilence: O.K., but it feels like that’s sort of what I’m doing with white.

War: If switching colors is on the table, I have to be honest, I can’t find a red horse. Can I do strawberry roan?

Death: What if you do white?

Pestilence: O.K., seriously?

Famine: What time is everyone getting there? I don’t want to show up and have it be just, like, me and the beasts making small talk.

Pestilence: I think I caught a bug or something and I’m kinda sick, so I think I’m gonna go on the early side and then duck out.

Death: I have, like, two birthday things on the other side of town that night, so I’ll keep you all posted.

Famine: Death, can I just get a ride with you? I think I’m going to the same b-day drinks.

Pestilence: O.K., but you each have to be on a different horse. That’s, like, the whole deal.

Death: I might bring that guy I’m seeing.

Pestilence: Death, will you just tell me what color horse you’re riding? I’m doing white and I called it first.

Death: Pale.

Famine: Has anyone been to an apocalypse before? It’s my first and I don’t really know what I’m getting into.

War: That’s, like, the whole point of an apocalypse. There’s only one.

Famine: Can I get some outfit advice? What if I was just, like, holding scales?

Pestilence: You’re gonna hold them the whole night?

Famine: Yeah, like . . . weighing the food? Get it?

Pestilence: Isn’t the point that you don’t have food? Like, you’d be weighing nothing? Also, I get that this event has a theme, but I don’t think it’s, like, costumed.

War: BOOOOOOO I’m bringing a SWORD.

Pestilence: Wait, I can’t find my invite. Were we supposed to bring an object?

Death: The guy I’m seeing is my object.

War: What if you brought, like, a thermometer. Or tea?

Pestilence: I’m not a common cold! I’m a PLAQUE! It’s cool!




Pestilence: *Plague. Jesus.

Pestilence: You guys are acting like children.

War: [gif of Judge Judy rolling her eyes]

Famine: [gif of NeNe Leakes rolling her eyes]

Death: [gif of Molly Ringwald in “The Breakfast Club” giving the finger]

Pestilence: Fuck you, guys. I’m riding a white horse and I’m confident enough to not hold an object.

War: Has renamed the group chat “Pestilence is a little bitch.”

Pestilence: Fine! Don’t come! I’m going early and hanging out with the beasts, who are actually very cool.

Famine: OMG, calm down!

Death: Pale is very different from white.

Pestilence: Literally how?!

Death: Also, can I add the guy I’m seeing to the chat? I feel like it’d be easier to plan?


Pestilence: We’ve had this chat for, like, two thousand years. You can’t just add someone new.

Death: Has added “Climate Change” to the chat.

Death: Whoops.

Death: Too late.

Climate Change: Hey, guys! So excited to meet you all! I’ve never been to an apocalypse before!


Pestilence: So excited to hang—I feel like you and I are gonna be buds.

Famine: Plaque.


Pestilence: [gif of Molly Ringwald in “The Breakfast Club” giving the finger]

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