Good morning, EdenVirtual team!
Today is an exciting day. We’ve finally finished our yearlong, extensive company review and we have the results. After some comparative analysis with other companies of our size and structure, we are ready to lay out a plan for the future that will keep EdenVirtual growing! The results were conclusive and specific.
Our new business plan is: go viral.
Our current processes will stay intact up to a point. When we get to Ethan’s team, things will change a bit. That’s when we’ll go viral. After we go viral, Eric’s team will just rake in the money. Then we’ll rinse and repeat until we can go public. Should be six months or so if we go viral every day. We’ll also be changing our corporate structure so that Miranda’s team will be dedicated to going viral. Thank you for stepping up, Miranda!
We additionally want the company to grow our viral base, so everyone should log on to Twitter and create an account. We’d like each employee to have more than twelve thousand followers by E.O.D. We have data suggesting that going viral involves more retweets than likes. If you have any questions, Dean’s team will be running point for retweets.
(Side note: Lisa, we need to add a hundred thousand followers to the company account by E.O.D. Thx!)
We’ll also be doing some basic restructuring. The C.E.O.’s nephew Brad went viral a few weeks ago for getting scared by his roommate on camera a lot, so we’ll be hiring him (welcome, Brad!) as our new S.V.P. of communications. We’ll be hiring someone to scare him three times in the office during Q3. Joshua, our current S.V.P. of communications, will transition out of that role. We’ll be live-streaming as he packs up his office next week, so please make sure to hop on Instagram during that time and check it out. It’s more of a re-boxing than an unboxing, but we’re excited to see how viral it can go.
Another small change: our office will now serve as overflow housing for A.A.C.R. animal rescue. Angela’s team will be focussed on our animal diversification. Though we’ll mostly be using dogs and cats to go viral, optics are better if we throw in a duck or a llama every six weeks or so, and an ugly dog every eight posts. We’ve seen that the cute quotient goes through the roof for other posts when they follow a disgusting dog. We’re also preparing for more hedgehog-forward content in Q4.
While our values won’t change, we’re relabelling the foundational pillars of our company. We will always value “Integrity, Client Services, and Growth,” but our new official pillars will be “Cat Memes, Stoner Funny Stuff, and Retweets.” Retweets is just cool Internet language for growth. Growth will always be a strong pillar of our business!
Kelly and her team have been doing an amazing job over the last six months, and we’ll be changing their role slightly. Instead of focussing on account management, they’ll now be working closely with Dean in retweets on Really Satisfying Stuff—well-poured frosting, videos of glossy paint, perfectly sliced food, etc. Kelly’s attention to detail has always made her stand out, and we’re proud to refocus her department!
We know that this is an outside-the-box strategy, but, like Mayor Pete, we’re just trying to keep up with the kids. Taking another page from his book, we now have a company dance. I’ve attached the file to this e-mail. Please learn it so that we can film it tomorrow at lunch.
If you thought, Wow! This memo from my boss is #lol, please feel free to share and retweet and like. Let’s make this memo go viral! It’s good for business—always remember that.
O.K., Boomer!
Mark
C.E.O., EdenVirtual