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I Have Pears | The New Yorker

OtherI Have Pears | The New Yorker

SERVICE AGENT: Thanks for calling Orchard Farms. How may I help you?

CALLER: Pears.

AGENT: Sorry?

CALLER: I have pears.

AGENT: Did you receive a fruit-of-the-month delivery from us?


AGENT: Great—how are you enjoying it?

CALLER: They’re everywhere.

AGENT: The pears?

CALLER: There’s too many. What should I do?

AGENT: You should eat some.

CALLER: I did.

AGENT: You should eat more.

CALLER: I don’t want to eat more.

AGENT: Then why did you order all those pears?

CALLER: I didn’t order them—they were a gift!

AGENT: Well, you must have told someone that you love pears, or they wouldn’t have sent them!

CALLER: I didn’t say a fucking word to anyone about loving pears!!

AGENT: Oh, right, I’m sure you didn’t.


AGENT:   Sorry that I got so upset.

CALLER: I’m sorry, too.


AGENT: What about a pie? You could make a pie.

CALLER: I did, I made a pie.

AGENT: How about a crumble, then?

CALLER: That’s also a pie!

AGENT: It’s not a pie! It’s a crumble! It’s fruit with a crumb topping! A pie has a crust!!

CALLER: I’m a fucking adult—I know what a pie is!

AGENT: Do you want to unload these fucking pears or not? Make a fucking crumble!

CALLER: O.K., I will!!

AGENT: Don’t do me any favors!!!


AGENT: Apologies again.

CALLER: No, it’s not you. It’s these pears. They’re really getting under my skin.


AGENT: What about slicing some up and handing them out during halftime at your kid’s soccer game?

CALLER: He doesn’t play soccer.

AGENT: Well, maybe he should. Exercise is important for kids!

CALLER: I fucking know that!

AGENT: You sure aren’t acting like you know it!!

CALLER: He does other things!!

AGENT: Oh, really? Like what?

CALLER: Tennis!

AGENT: So bring the fucking pears to tennis!!

CALLER: I can’t do that! The racquets will get sticky from the pear juice! It will fucking ruin the racquets!

AGENT: Oh, but soccer would have been fine? You’re full of shit!

CALLER: You play soccer with your feet—if you’d ever played soccer, you’d know that!

AGENT: I did play soccer! I played for years! I played center midfield for my high-school team, the Badgers!!!

CALLER: Oh, wow, the Badgers? You must have been amazing! Come on!

AGENT: We were state champs two years in a row, actually!

CALLER: Wow, that’s actually really impressive!!

AGENT: Thank you!!!

CALLER: You’re welcome!!!


AGENT: You could try making some jam. That might be nice.

CALLER: I made jam.

AGENT: Make some more jam!

CALLER: I did! I already made more jam! I have ten fucking jars of pear jam!!

AGENT: Sell it! Sell the fucking jam!! Open a jam store!!

CALLER: I don’t want to open a fucking jam store! I have a job!!

AGENT: Like you’re fulfilled at that job! Please!!!

CALLER: I am fulfilled! I work at a fucking advocacy group for underprivileged youth!! It’s very fucking fulfilling!!!

AGENT: For real?

CALLER: Yes!!!

AGENT: I work in a call center for a fucking fruit-shipping company!! Fuck!

CALLER: Don’t beat yourself up! It’s honest work!!

AGENT: My life sucks so bad!

CALLER: I’m sorry! I hit a nerve!!!

AGENT: No!! I needed to hear myself say it out loud!!!

CALLER: Oh, good!!!


AGENT: Send the pears to your mom!

CALLER: Why don’t you send them to your mom?!!

AGENT: My mom?


AGENT: She passed away last year!!

CALLER: I’m really sorry to hear that!!!

AGENT: She was ill for a long time, so I think we honestly all felt a little relieved at the end!!

CALLER: I totally get that!! It was a similar thing with my grandfather a few years ago!!!


AGENT: Dig a hole in your yard and fucking bury the pears!

CALLER: What if that grows a fucking pear tree?!

AGENT: Holy shit, yeah, don’t do that!!


AGENT: Draw fucking faces on the pears and film a stop-motion short about their lives!

CALLER: I don’t want to!!!


AGENT: Put them in a bowl and paint a fucking still-life!

CALLER: I did!

AGENT: How did it turn out?!

CALLER: Decent!!


AGENT: Is there anything else I can help you with?

CALLER: No, I think I’m good. Thank you.

AGENT: Great. Oh, before I let you go, your second shipment of pears is in the queue. Should go out on the fourteenth.

CALLER: Fuck you!

AGENT: Fuck you!!!

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