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How to Properly Load a Dishwasher

OtherHow to Properly Load a Dishwasher

Forks and spoons should be placed handle down in the cutlery holder. Knives go handle up if you like your roommate or spouse, or blade up if you secretly want to murder them.

Cups, glasses, and mugs go on the outer edges of the top rack, face down. Place a dark-colored mug in the back right to signal to the elves that it’s safe to come out.

Oversized items, including pans and cutting boards, go on the sides and in the back of the bottom rack. This is strategic, because front-row center is the most likely to get picked on by the comedian when he does crowd work.

Plates go on the bottom rack, all facing the same direction. Face them east if you believe in God.

Pre-rinsing is only necessary if your dishwasher is postwar. Just scrape any big chunks of leftover food off your dishes and feed them to a misunderstood pit bull who hates his “Beware of Dog” sign.

Measuring cups go on the top rack, but measuring spoons go in the cutlery holder. I don’t make the rules—the elves do.

Larger items, such as pots and serving bowls, go face down on the bottom rack. Much like a Brandy Melville shirt, they won’t fit on top if you’re a normal adult.

Separate the spoons to prevent them from nesting. You want the spoons focussed on getting clean, not worrying about what color to paint the nursery.

Avoid overcrowding your dishes, which prevents the flow of water, such that the elves are unable to travel freely and border control becomes a whole thing.

Specialized utensils like cheese graters, garlic presses, and melon ballers go face up in the cutlery holder. Show that baby off! Not only did you invest in it, you used it!

Bowls go in the center of the top rack facing forward. Be sure to mix up the order so it doesn’t seem like you’re playing favorites.

Place items with baked-on food face down, oriented toward the spray arm. However, never leave eggplant on your cookware. It tastes terrible after it’s been washed.

Use a rinse agent to prevent streaks on glass and to get shinier dishes. This is also great for the elves’ hair.

Plastics, such as Tupperware and water bottles, go face down on the top rack, away from the heating element, so they don’t get misshapen. If this happens, a lid may no longer fit its container. People change, and you can only stay married so long.

Note: If you do accidentally leave a bowl or container face up, it will fill with water, which you should not drink, no matter how much it calls to you.

After running the dishwasher, wait to unload it, because items will be hot to the touch, which might indicate that they’ve been cursed by the elves. To be safe, wait a few days and get takeout.

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