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Honest iPhone Updates | The New Yorker

OtherHonest iPhone Updates | The New Yorker

iOS 13: Get ready for some big changes to your iPhone. For example, we noticed that your phone is an ancient three years old. With iOS 13, we’ve included a bunch of pointless little updates that will make your battery drain more quickly and your phone run more slowly until you give up and buy a new one.

iOS 13.0.1: This update includes dozens of new emojis you don’t need, like multiple types of floppy disks and a tiny sandwich composed of two saltines with French’s mustard in between. It does NOT include the one emoji you actually could use (a tampon).

iOS 13.0.2: Your phone will now respond to “Hey, Siri,” but only when you’re saying “Hey, Siri” as a bit and not when you’re actually trying to figure out what the weather is without just walking over to a window.

iOS 13.0.3: Obviously, you’ll never use this, but we’ve added a lot of stuff to the Stocks app. Your stepdad is going to be thrilled.

iOS 13.1: We see that you haven’t bought a new phone yet! Don’t worry, your battery now lasts a maximum of twenty minutes.

iOS 13.1.1: Includes updates to Apple News, even though you get all of your news from noticing that three friends have obliquely referenced a celebrity on Instagram and deducing that the celebrity must have died.

iOS 13.1.2: This update won’t automatically set up Apple Pay—we can’t figure out a way to make that legal yet—but every fifteen minutes you will get a push notification asking if you want to set up Apple Pay.

iOS 13.1.3: Voice Memo playback is set to speakerphone by default, so that, when you unthinkingly open the app while out with friends, they can all hear your very bad attempts at playing “Shallow” on guitar.

iOS 13.1.3: The Weather app now includes a little note that the air quality is bad all the time! So that’s fun!!

iOS 13.2: Playing hardball on the new-phone thing, huh? Well, with this update, unless your old-ass phone is charging, it is dead.

iOS 13.2.1: Introduces a button to synch your phone screen to your Apple TV, which you will constantly push by accident. You don’t even have an Apple TV. But now you’re thinking about it.

iOS 13.2.2: You know how we at Apple have spent the last, like, ten years meticulously crafting ways to make you want to look at your phone more? O.K., so, now we have this thing called Screen Time, which will shame you for looking at your phone so much.

iOS 13.2.3: Makes it so that your family group text is broken into three separate text threads. Even though four people in the group are under thirty, none of you will be able to figure out how to recombine the threads. Your phone is constantly beeping, and it will become impossible to follow the conversation, beyond that your mom is calling you an élitist for complaining about the family group text.

iOS 13.3: Finally, after many sleepless months for our best programmers, we have perfected technology that causes your battery to explode in a shower of beautiful fireworks. YES, it’s completely safe. YES, you will have to buy a new phone because your previous phone exploded. NO, this is not covered by Apple Care.

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