Posts
No more “likes,” “favorites,” or “hearts.” Instead, you think there should be only an “acknowledge” button. Participants in our sessions were unanimous: there is no such thing as good content. In the endless abyss of today’s digital world, we have grown numb. Pictures of avocado toast, Santorini, pugs—how many millions of these images have you seen before? Do they still move you? Do they cause joy? Going forward, all you will be able to do is recognize that you have viewed an image—that this is in fact how you have chosen to spend your finite time on this earth—and scroll on.
Community Standards
You want nipples—on men, women, cats, dogs, iguanas, whatever. We heard you loud and clear. If it has nipples, you want to see them. We’ve even included an “add nipples” feature in our Next Social-Media Platform prototype so that, if your photo does not contain any nipples, or if you find that the standard hominid two nipples simply aren’t enough, you can tack a few extra nipples on there. Add a million nipples, for all we care.
Newsfeed
We were confused here. You want content that makes you feel better about your life but also content that makes you hate yourself? So I guess we . . . alternate? Picture of attractive and unobtainable body; dog. Person who is younger than you succeeding in your professional field; another dog. Your ex moving on and seemingly doing well; two dogs.
Privacy
The New Social-Media Platform will be secure. So secure, in fact, that only two people will have access to your content: your mother (because she insists) and a Swedish man named Elias, whom you will never meet but who will dutifully check your profile each morning over espresso.
Filters
Based on your feedback, we will offer several options for photo filters, including:
Chasm: Overlays your photo with the absence of color and light that we’ve come to think of as space, invoking a feeling of utter emptiness.
Shredder: Shreds your image into unidentifiable mulch.
Kitten Ears: Adds kitten ears. Very cute.
We will also offer text-based filters. Namely, all text—jokes, political messages, announcements that you did a thing, etc.—will be converted into an image of a nipple.
Chat Features
Your account will come automatically pre-programmed to send a daily direct message to your most recent ex unless you log in, select “do not send,” verify that it’s you with a thirteen-digit code sent to your phone, list every pet you’ve ever had, and select from a series of images all of the ones containing a nipple. You must do this every day. There are no other chat features.